Unfresh.: A super cool awesome play thingie I wrote sophomore year for English...I know its long, but indulge me and read it. It is based on "Caeser"

Unfresh.

Monday, December 20, 2004

A super cool awesome play thingie I wrote sophomore year for English...I know its long, but indulge me and read it. It is based on "Caeser"

(Outside the first rehearsal for a BAND PRACTICE. It is autumn and the sun is shining.)

Random
Freshman #1 Hey, ya’ll. I’m really happy that we got a new drum major this year.

Random
Freshman #2 Fo’ sho playboy. I’m ready to get crunk on those boys this year. Smiley’s not gon’ embarrass us this year.

Random
Freshman #1 I know that’s right.

Twinkles Hey, what are you freshman talkin’ about? I know you not glad about our new drum major.

Freshman (together) We are.

Twinkles Psssh.

(We cut outside to a few weeks later. It is snowing and the band is practicing.)

Laverne (watching from the bleachers w/ his girlfriend, TRINA) Look at this. Now that I’m the drum major, this band is gon’ be good. We’ll be rackin’ up trophies like no one else.

Trina I know that’s right, baby. Look, here comes Antwone.

(Enter ANTWONE)
Laverne Hey, Slim! How’s my favorite right-hand man, my lead snare drummer?

Antwone Just fine Laverne. How is the most beautiful dancer the ORHS Liberty Belles have ever seen?

Laverne She’s fine except for one thing…

Antwone What?

Laverne She can’t dance to that wack beat that Peter, your 1st chair soloist, keeps putting out.

Trina Hey!

Laverne I’m only speaking the truth!

Trina You don’t have to broadcast it.

Laverne Anyways, at the Band Boot Camp Wars, you know, the big competition that’s coming up in a few weeks? Yeah, I want you to play the solo so my girl can get her groove back.

(TRINA is noticeably angry)
Antwone Are you sure it’s OK with your girl?

Laverne She’ll be fine. Just do it. I’ll arrange everything.

Antwone (looking at his watch) Cool, playa. I gotta go son, you know, business stuff, you understand? Peace out, dawg. (He EXITS)

Laverne Alright, kid.

Trina (angry) I like how you just changed stuff up without askin’ nobody.

Laverne Aww, baby.
(We CUT to the Band Boot Camp Preliminaries. The band has just finished playing some awful song, probably by a BOY BAND)

Random
Freshman #3 Man, this is bootleg!

Random
Sophomore #1 Shoot, you got that right!

Khalil I know!! Everybody else at the Boot Camp played crunk music, like Missy Elliot or 50 cent. We played the Backstreet Boys.

(Twinkles ENTERS)
Twinkles Shoot, I’m sick of this mess. (Random people nod their heads in agreement) I know I’m his cousin but this just isn’t working.

People (murmuring) Mmmhmmm. Somebody need to tell him ‘bout his self. He just ain’t right. I heard that.

(The Band members leave to get their customary after-performance Kook-Aid. Twinkles stays behind as Bebe enters, having already changed into his street clothes.)

Twinkles Hey, Bebe.

Bebe Wassup, Twinkles?

Twinkles (suddenly enthralled with rage) I’m just so sick of Laverne’s mess. That’s why we got to stick together up in here. So what we should do is, after the Semi-Finals of the Band Boot Camp -

Bebe We get to go to the Semis? But we just played so horribly!

Twinkles Last year, back when we were good, we won. As reigning champions, we are guaranteed at least a trip to the Semis. Anyway, as I was saying, after the performance, I’ll take my drumsticks and you take your tuba. Afterwards, we sneak up behind and I’ll shove the drumsticks into his back, and you slam the tuba over his he-

Bebe Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you talking about killing your cousin just because you don’t like the kind of music he makes us play?

Twinkles (very angry) But it was THE BACKSTREET BOYS! I should have been chosen drum major, but nooooo, they had to pick Laverne!

Bebe So this is what it’s all about. You are jealous of Laverne! For shame! I’m out, cuz. I need to think about this for a while.

(He runs OUT with Twinkles following close behind. As they leave, Laverne and Antwone enter, w/ Twinkles accidentally bumping into Laverne on his way out.)

Laverne (to Antwone) You gotta watch out for boys like that. He’s so lean and hungry. He always wants more that what he has. I tell you, with people like my cousin runnin’ around you really got to watch yo’ back.

Antwone I heard that.

(We FADE to BEBE in his dorm room, downloading illegal music from NAPSTER. He is pondering his situation; while unbeknownst to him a dark presence is forming outside his room)

Bebe What should I do? Laverne and I are cool and everything, but-. Gah, I just don’t know. Wait- (he notices a MISSY ELLIOT SONG he was downloading has just been cut off by a user named “ IAMLAVERNEHAHAHA”) That does it! I will help Twinkles kill Laverne and save this band! Even if it kills me!

(He falls asleep. A few minutes later he is awakened by his door being broken and several shrouded figures swarming into the room. While this is happening, the THEME FROM JAWS begins to play ominously in the background)

Bebe Aaaaaaaargh! Who are you? What do you want! Why are you here! And why are you wearing those creepy black robes! And where is that music coming from?

Twinkles Hey, hey, hey, down sailor. To answer your questions, #1, it’s me Twinkles. You know everybody else here. #2 we want you to help us kill Laverne #3, because they’re stylish, and to answer your last question, that music was on when we got here.

(Everyone turns and looks at BEBE’s computer, where the creepy music has been coming from. Twinkles turns it off with a flick of his wrist.)

Bebe Oh.

Twinkles Join us!

Bebe OK, but under four conditions. One, we don’t make a pact. You saw what happened to those kids on “I Know what you Did Last Summer”, a pact got their little butts killed. Anyway, we are Band people. We’re all honorable.

(They all murmur agreement)

Bebe Two, we can’t bring Mr. Cicero into this. It’s just not worth having the Band Director in on this even if he does hate Laverne. And let’s not kill Antwone, too. I think one person’s enough, anyway. There’s not much Antwone can do without Laverne, I mean, it’s not like he has a brain or anything. (they all laugh)
So…. yes, I will join you guys as long as we go by those rules.

Twinkles Sure!

Khalil But there were four conditions. You only said three!

Bebe Oh, yeah. (Remembering when LAVERNE cut off his connection and FAILED the song he was downloading) We break his stupid laptop.

Twinkles Sure.

Bebe Good. (The CONSPIRATORS leave and in comes Bebe’s ditzy girlfriend Stephanie.)

Stephanie Who were all those people in the shrouded cloaks that walked around humming the JAWS THEME?

Bebe Oh, you know baby. Bill Collectors. The man is always on my back.

Stephanie Didn’t look like no bill collectors I ever saw. Are you in trouble?

Bebe No, they were from that new agency of collectors, um, Shrouded Cloak Collection Agency. Their motto is “Pay us or you Die”

Stephanie Baby, stop lyin’. If you don’t tell me stuff, all I am is like, some 2-cent heifer that you just bring home and have no relationship with. Is that all I am?

Bebe No, that’s not all you are.

Stephanie That’s right and I’ll prove it. I just got my hair did this morning, right?

Bebe Yeah, so?

Stephanie (She grabs one of her crochet braids and pulls hard. It comes out. She tosses the braid to him) Now do you see how much I looooove you?

Bebe Girl, that wasn’t even your real hair, I’ll tell you when the time comes.

(The next day it is raining hard. But only around Laverne’s house. Everywhere else it is sunny and dry. Laverne and Trina are eating breakfast)

Trina Baby, I’m telling you, it was horrible, that dream I had. We were on the field, playing “Backstreet’s Back” and all the instruments were spouting blood onto you. And after they finished, they put the blood in Super Soakers and played Water Gun Hide-And-Go Seek. Plus, have you looked outside? It’s not thundering and raining anywhere else but your house. I think that’s a bad sign.

Laverne No, it’s not.

Trina Yes, it is. I don’t think you should go to rehearsal today.

Laverne I guess I won’t, boo. I’m kinda scurred myself. But it’s not like anyone’s trying to kill me or anything, heh, heh.

(Just then, Simian, the Trumpet Section Leader, bangs on the door. Laverne and Trina answer it)

Simian Can a brother get a ride to practice, or what?

Laverne You’ll have to find another ride. I’m not going today.

Simian (panicking because he’s a conspirator) Why not?

Laverne My Boo had a bad dream. (Trina nods as Laverne tells him about the dream)

Simian What? You think that-. Man, all that means is everybody wanna bathe in your blood cuz you so good and stuff. I mean, if you want to let your woman run your life, you can…(he trails off)

Laverne You know what? I think I will go. I mean, they can’t do much without me, right? (Trina glares)

(We cut to rehearsal were Laverne is standing in the bleachers. The CONSPIRATORS come up behind him and brutally stab him with various instruments, flues and oboes and drumsticks)

Laverne Why?? No! (Bebe comes in for a kill shot)
Et tu, Bebe? (Laverne dies. They roll the body under the bleachers next to his broken laptop, which has been broken, literally into millions of pieces.)

Twinkles I have an idea! Let’s put his blood into Super Soakers and play Water Gun Hide-And-Go-Seek! 1-2-3 Not It! (They all agree and start playing, when Antwone comes up.)

Antwone Are you going to kill me? I’ll switch sides.

Everyone No

Antwone Oh, OK. Can I speak at his funeral? I want to switch sides but he was my friend.

Bebe Yes, you may. (Twinkles looks on disapprovingly)

Antwone So…. Let’s play!

(They commence the game and have a great old time. After a while Antwone says he has to go refill his gun and goes back to LAVERNE’S BODY)

Antwone I will avenge your death!

(Outside behind the practice field at the Band Boot Camp, a crowd has gathered wanting to know what has happened. Bebe steps out and says his two-cents.)

Bebe Laverne perished because of his lack of compunction during his stint as drum major. He evoked the absolute worst out of us and the litany of his transgressions would go on forever. I’m commiserating with you here to express pain and sorrow for our loss.

(The crowd, who is mostly ghetto black people who have absolutely no idea of anything he just said decides to go ahead and vote him in as the new drum major. Then Antwone comes in with Laverne’s body and says his speech.)

Antwone He dead ya’ll (eyes beginning to tear) HE DEAD! Aaaargh! And to think, he left ya’ll all this stuff in his will. Solid gold Drumsticks, Silver-plated flutes, such a shame.

Obnoxious
Guy In
Crowd Hey!!! Antwone used words we can actually understand! Let’s make him Drum Major and kill the other guys!

Crowd Yeah!

(At this time, an elderly janitor named Khalil the Janitor takes this time to push his cart to the field house and clean up the restrooms)

Khalil The
Janitor How are you chilruns doing today?

Obnoxious
Guy What’s your name?

Khalil The
Janitor Why, my name is Khalil. Khalil The-HEY!

(He never gets to finish his next sentence because the crowd attacks. I’ll spare you from the blood and gore, Mrs. Preble or whomever is reading this because it isn’t pretty. While the crowd is dismembering poor Khalil The Janitor, Bebe and Twinkles take this opportunity to escape to The Band Boot Camp Room A)

Antwone Mwuhuhahahahaha! Now that the Band is mine I shall control it with an iron glove! (evil cackle) 6,000 pushups, NOW!

(He goes into the field house with his new right-hand men, Oliver and Levon. They make a hitlist with people’s names on it. Down the street in Band Boot Camp Room A, Bebe and Twinkles are both trying to make a routine that will make Antwone so amazed he will hopefully die, but they are arguing so much, it will never get done.)

Bebe I think we should do it to that song “My Neck, My Back”.

Twinkles I think everyone will agree when I say we should do it to “Down South is Where I Stay”.

Bebe You are just like Laverne! So controlling!

(They look at each other and laugh and everything is forgiven between the two. They begin to talk about everything that went on while the were gone.)

Twinkles Yeah, I had 92 of my best trumpet players fail out at the last second. There was nothing I could do.

Bebe Yeah, things aren’t much better on my end. Stephanie just couldn’t take it and ripped all her braids out. Yeah, now she’s the “before” picture in Rogaine Ads. We should move our Boot Camp Armies forward, to Phillip Street.

Twinkles I don’t know…..

Bebe C’mon, I think that’ll work.

Twinkles OK (they shake hands w/ each other before heading out, thinking that this is the last time they’ll see each other)

(The battle ensues. Watching from afar, Twinkles thinks he sees Bebe captured. Rather than let himself be captured he decides to kill himself and falls on a Poison Tipped Drumstick.)

Twinkles Eh…Eh…Argh!

(Twinkles Dies)

Khalil (Running up and seeing Twinkles dead body)

Twinkles! No! Well, I won’t let them kill me too. Into thine heart it goes Poison Tipped Drumstick! (Plunges into his stomach) Eh…Eh….Argh!

(He Dies)

Bebe No! We are losing! You, there! Simian! Hold this Poison-Tipped Drumstick as I run onto it!(He impales himself upon it) Eh….Eh…..Argh!

(He dies)

Antwone Wait! (Holding Bebe’s limp body) I never meant for it to be this way! (Tear) Oh…Bebe…This was the crunkest tuba player of them all. He never gave up on what was right. He truly is the crunkest one….

THE END!!!!

posted by DeAndre' @ 4:00 PM

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